I am a lunatic. This is not to say that I am afflicted by any particular delusion of being a werewolf or Napoleon Bonaparte but rather that the onset of the full moon seems to bring with it an enhanced anxiety and desire to be in motion. A craving for action adventure and sex leaks into my fevered imagination and sleep becomes a distant second to the need for the intangible quality of being that the French wuss out on by calling je ne sais quoi which literally translates as “I don’t know what”. How lame is that?
In any case on this particular moonlit night my mind is bringing forth images and memories of you. Some painful most happy. All filled with a sense of longing and a bit of regret. Being of an analytic mind is a curse all its own. Did I do the right thing? What is the right thing? If there is no right thing did I do what was best with the information that I had? My life seems to be a combination of intuitive leaps fearful gestures and hindsight recriminations.
Romantic comedies are a bane upon human existence. Worse than fairy tales and more destructive to the popular myth than cartoons are movies that give us an idea of some ideal romantic convergence in which two people can meet…overcome some laughable obstacle and in the end realize that they are truly and deeply meant to be together on a level so cosmic that the audience has known it since the first reel. Life is nothing like that.
My romantic history bears a much closer resemblance to a series of horrible accidents than to a cosmically ordained fairytale. I hope things are going better for you but they probably are not. Sucks doesn’t it? Fear is of course the problem. It always is. Fear takes on so many forms that it would be silly to even attempt to list them. Fear of being weak and vulnerable is a big one of course. Fear that the person you are with is just who you have settled for because you are tired and your one true love is out there somewhere but you just lack the emotional wear withal to keep looking.
The truth is that this is a fairly legitimate fear. After all with 6 or 8 billion people on the planet it seems like there might be someone better than almost anyone you're with. Love is not buying a car. Life is not a matter of finding the perfect place or time or person. Life is just living and making the best you can to be the best you can. And life is short so stop putting it off.
No comments:
Post a Comment